if i were to make a mixed tape, here's the line up

here's the list of songs i've been listening to the past couple of weeks. my music player is an iPod shuffle so basically, i listen to those songs in no particular order. i intentionally limited the number of Air Supply songs to one. doctor's prescription.

She's always a woman to me - Billy Joel
For No One - the Beatles
Nogweigian Wood - the Beatles
Walts #2 - Elliot Smith
Fade Away - Sugarfree
I have to say I love you in a song - Jim Croce
Eleanor Rigby - the Beatles
Piazza New York Catcher - Belle and Sebastian
Between the Bars - Elliot Smith
Landslide - the Smashing Pumpkins
Burn Out - Sugarfree
Sampaguita - Yano
Summer Romance - Incubus
Everything Reminds Me of Her - Elliot Smith
Even the nights are better - Air Supply

Sisyphus, again?

I reread Albert Camus, his work The Myth of Sisyphus. Originally, I thought Camus was really brilliant coming up with that interpretation. But just recently, I’m beginning to change my views on the subject. Here’s a brief background on the myth. If you already know the story skip the preceding sentences and jump to the next paragraph, but for those who don't, carry on. In Greek mythology, he was the Smart Alek who made a mockery out of Hades several time (just google the details). Sisyphus was convicted of “crimes against the gods” and was condemned to eternal labor. His punishment was to push a boulder up a mountain, and whenever he would come close to the top, the boulder would slip his grasps and the damn thing would come rolling down again. His punishment is eternal frustration.

Camus said that the Gods wanted to see Sisyphus beg on knees to ask them for their aid. But according to Camus, Sisyphus is not the type who would have his pride trampled that easily. The titan would rather be eternally frustrated than to live the rest of forever with a shattered ego. Sisyphus knows (or at least has an idea) that pushing the boulder up the hill is really an impossible task, but he couldn’t care less. The only thing keeping him going is the program in his mind telling him to continue pushing. That he might succeed despite the small possibility.

Sisyphus would learn to enjoy his predicament, thinking that everything is about trying. Life is about pushing. Senseless labor isn’t entirely senseless if do your best, or something to that effect. The glory in attempt. Smile once the boulder reached the highest t could.

But what if what Sisyphus really wants is for the Gods to pity him? Surely, his ego is too though to give up, but if the Gods offered to cut him some slack, I doubt he would refuse the offer. Everything is a means to an end. Of course that would make Sisyphus a hypocrite. If that was to be the case, wouldn’t that reduce the earlier interpretation of life to mere arrogance? I doubt that the Gods would give humanity amnesty from our earthly and seemingly senseless labor under the sun. No matter how much we beg or plead. The most we can do is to justify senseless labor with the hypocrisy of glory in attempt. Who would want to smile at project unfinished anyway?

random things about me now

I find it weird. Everything below.

• I miss my bestfriend
• I’m having a hard time sleeping at night
• I read more math books now than poetry books
• I’m having a hard time writing
• I get anxiety attacks more often
• I can lock myself in my room for a whole day, going out only to eat and urinate
• I stay up every night until 3am
• I prefer not think that I’m depress, because I see no logical reason for that
• I prefer not to think that I’m denying that I’m depress, if I am, I would know
• I miss my bestfriend
• I watch a lot of cartoons lately
• I still want to go back to the Taekwondo team
• I drink a lot of tea
• I eat a lot
• I don’t like my dreams
• It’s been one and a half year since my bestfriend last talked to me and it’s killing me
• I like really this certain girl. I enjoy talking and being with her. But she scares me. A lot.
• I don’t enjoy the things I use to do: reading magazines, dvd hunting, etc
• I spend a lot of time sleeping
• I prefer to avoid reading psychology books
• I don’t enjoy the company of my friends the way I use to. I meant that with no offence. Really
• I don’t drink alcohol anymore. (maybe everything is due to withdrawal)
• I procrastinate a lot
• I like Hunter Thomson more than I like Tom Wolfe now
• I prefer to be secretive. (so not me)
• I spend a lot of time reading Wikipedia entries
• I haven’t played sports in a long while. (kahit lagi akong niyaya magbasket ng tropa ko)
• I feel tired all the time
• I’m trying to learn to play the piano
• I feel sad that I can’t bully anyone in grad school. I use to pick on my dork classmates in college and high school
• I don’t like Marxist ideologies the way I use to
• I hesitate a lot before doing anything. This I hate about myself now, because it makes me miss a lot of opportunities.
• I watch a lot of old movies
• I’m confused with the way I want my poetry to look like
• I spent a lot of time in YM
• I miss my athletic old self
• I spend a lot of time in Multiply
• I think Facebook is for robots
• I think I know why Marx was wrong
• I like my studies but I’m having a hard time financing my education
• I miss my old muscular built. Promise. There was a time.
• I will shoot anyone who will say and think that im emo. Not kiding.